I broke down this week. Tears and all. Thoughts unfiltered.
I don't know whether it was me being sensitive to a moment that happened during a church sermon, or if I looked deep down into my heart and realized that something was completely wrong with me; something I have neglected to aspire to in my life. The career that brought me out to California from half-way around the world was acting. My dream to be an actor. I was so full of energy and determination in the previous years, but maybe the reality of the situation got to me and I lost my confidence, or maybe, it wasn't my dream at all. This is what I am talking about: the dark side of the mind. Once you think that way once, its stuck in your head forever. I would like to talk about this brief dark thought that plagued my mind. To show you how intense it can be. Now, this is all speculation, but, maybe all this time: my dream was FAKE. It was probably just an idea created by someone else that told me to cultivate it, that because I wouldn't have anything else to go to; that I only had this path. Intense huh? Just even having that one solid moment of disbelief and doubt could crush everything you've built. I keep spreading all this positive reinforcement to everyone around me. Telling them to do what they love. Maybe that's because I am the one who needs it more than others. I not sure about what my heart is trying to tell me, but I know through more discovery I will surely come up with an answer. I don't feel like giving up acting or any of my dreams in life, rather, I want to look on the bright side. This is a chance for me to find out my true meaning to my dream, and why I want to do it so much. Eventually, create a goal that will be achievable for the future version of myself. Honestly, I'm kicking myself over how this had to happen right now, on account of me being here for almost 3 years. I'm such a late bloomer, so to speak. This weekend, I am going to sit down and spend some time really looking at myself and seeing what I value in life. Maybe then I will become even stronger than before. That is the whole point really.
